||[Dec. 9th, 2005|05:54 pm]
I AM A FUCKING TOXIC MESS THAT SPILLS INTO OTHERS LIVES AND AWKWARDS THEM UP. I NEED TO GET PRIORITIES, PAY LOANS, GET A BETTER JOB, AND AN APARTMENT.|
ok so the new list:
seems pretty reasonable. i just feel like im dying alone here, my parents were my age and had been dating for a year when they were my age. the only girls that im interested in at all want nothing to do with me as anything more than a friend. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? am i just driving away my chances for happiness out of some self destructive bullshit thing? or maybe the problem with my relationships now is that i fucked up something in my past that i can seem to get around.
i think about that alot, getting stuck on the past. i dwell on past relationships and crushes far beyond what im sure is the normal time for grieving. there are 2 people that stick out in my mind at the moment, and im not going to name names cause thats mean and i dont want to make anyone feel responsible for my dumb ass. so ill call them orange and blue.
blue i dated a long time ago and we recently had a falling out. i miss her a lot and cant seem to get past her lately. i got the impression we were best friends but my feelings just kept getting in the way so it got awkward. do you see what i mean about toxic waste?
orange is from way back in the day. shes probably the more important of the two, maybe. known her forever and we still talk but not like we used to. i feel like what happened between her and i messed things up, but only realy because it ended. i could honestly say that i was totally falling for this girl towards the end, but then it just crashed anyway. now i only see her every few weeks and i really miss her, like a lot. i guess i just wish i could get a better read on her, but only if its good, like maybe she still likes me. but probably not. so ive got kind of a pandoras box thing. i could ask but it would probably just hurt more. but if its not bad and she does still atleast have feelings for me then id just keep hoping. if something came from it great, if not too bad.
see but that last bit applies to both. i dont really want to know, but i have to. i feel like im pushing myself down two dead end streets. i just wish one werent. i dont know which id prefer. id have more fun with orange, but blue would keep me closer. and then the third possiblity of nothing. which would keep me here. i cant move on to something new, cause id only be half there for the new person. so i have a bit of a problem in that i cant see an easy way out, and the only way out may be completely cutting myself off from two of my favorite human beings.
i really just dont know what i want to do, besides lay down or cuddle. both would be super. maybe at the same time? call if interested. goodnight.